11/7/23 9:41 am
It's been a fucking while hasn't it? God that last entry made it sound like I was about to commit. Good thing I didn't.
Well, my life has gotten frankly, a lot worse. I went several months on T. Then had to go indefinitely off T due to money problems. Problems which continue to persist. I'm working two jobs and I'm attempting to move on to a better one so I can get paid more.
I'm doing worse in school than ever before. It's awful actually. I'm more broke than ever before. But good news is that, I'm better at html and css so its' time to revamp this fucking site. That's right, I finally understand flex boxes
11/14/22 1:35pm
I've completed my first month on T. It feels nice.
Although that's not my main focus of this entry. I Feel as if my world is going to end. That one day soon I am going to die. This probably isn't right, but I feel at peace for it and rather anxious for it to happen. I want to die soon hopefully. I think I lived enough. I know that sounds crazy and it definitely is. I mean who has lived enough to want to die at 20?
I think I have to keep imaging my firsts. I want to live long enough to marry my girlfriend. I want to live long enough to experience fully passing as a man. I want to live long enough to see the birth/meet my child for the first time. I want to buy a house. I want to experience every anniverisy I can I wish I didn't feel this way I truly do. Because even if this doesn't hurt me. It hurts the people who know me and love me. One day, my love, Samantha is going to read this and I'll regret writing this in the first place.
I truly wish I didn't have such feelings in the first place, but my mind has been so foggy lately. It's like I can't think straight ahead. I don't know. Does that even mean anything?
I'm so tired. I wish I had a chance to sleep.
10/24/22 10:44am
My Love
Around You I feel indescribly full
A sense of warmness invokes within me
Warmness I can only feel when You touch me
Around You tough times are easier
And easy times are practically blissful
You hold a comfort that I cannot touch nor feel
Yet I sense it
This comfort you seem to hold
It shamelessly embraces me
Am I worthy of such a priceless thing?
Something that You keep to Yourself
As if at any moment it would be snatched away
I think about this a lot
I question, i hesitate, and i keep to myself,
because I love You
But I think too much.
My relunctance holds that tight suffocating grip
Yet You let me breathe
I forget all too often that
When I indulge in the Comfort that I can only describe as You
You indulge in mine too
I love you
10/19/22 12:15pm
It's been a bit since I've last updated! I finished my wordgirl side of the blog which was very fun actually!! Although I definitely know it doesnt look the way I want on other computers. I can't wait until I have the time to actually update it. Cause I don't have very much time to myself atm. But whatever might as well get this out of the way. I'm thinking about reformatting my main html as it looks some what good but it could be better you know what I mean?
I am so tired. College is exhausting. But I am going to get it done. I am. I am. Hopefully I'll do more consistent updates after the hell of stress I've been under for these past two weeks.
10/5/22 3:30pm
Haha Wordgirl HTML, like and subscribe. Also watch Wordgirl NOW
10/2/22 1:06pm
I just read this website that was interesting to say the least. It wasn't something I'd normally read since it was an essay titled, "Trans Ideology and Suffering" which is obviously a transphobic essay and I don't really indulge into things like that. This one felt different. It went into detail how as a black women she struggled with alienation within her own community, the lgbt community, the neurodivergent community, and within left/right politics. She went into detail how people within specifically the lgbt community and the neurodivergent community people are using their identities to avoid bettering themselves as people. Which no doubt, there are people like this exist. However, this essay did not have any in-real life evidence of trans people doing this. Not to discount her experiences as they have affected her deeply, but this woman has failed to make a connection between her title and what her essay was actually about. The only she actually brought up trans people was when onto a forum about depression and she "...saw a post about a girl who was going through alot, and the commenter comforted her and tried to ask her what she can do and she just said getting her binder would make her happy." I disagree with her misgendering this person who wanted a binder, but I feel she is misinterpreting this action.
I wish she had brought out more examples with her encounters with trans people to make her feel this way towards them as a whole. I don't want to assume this was her only encounter with a trans person as this action had framed their entire struggle was all about a piece of fabric. To do this to her would discredit her ablitiy to read into things and to empathize, and that is not my place to assume. This simplified example could be read in many ways for me, I read it as a young trans person who is desperate for some relief from dysphoria. Would it make this person happy for their whole lifetime? Probably not, and the author isn't wrong for reading that this is a temporay solution for a long term 'problem'. I know for me at least, the way I can live a complete life is if I transition. Will I be happy if I fully complete my transition? That's hard to say. Will I be complete? Yes. I know that unless I am 'complete' I cannot be fully happy.
I would like to explain what I mean by 'complete' as that is an unclear term. I know logically, no human being is really truly 'incomplete' and neither am I. But i describe it this way as I have lived my life growing up as a girl and had lived as a woman, but to me being a woman or a girl never felt like it sticked. It felt like I was playing dress-up and I didn't seem to comprehend the rules. I knew growing up, I have always wanted to transition even if I didn't give myself the label of 'transgender' and still existed as woman who looked like a man. I never imagined myself growing up as a woman. When I didn't know that transition was even a possiblity I just wouldn't imagine myself at all. As if I would never exist without being a man. So when I say 'complete', I mean that transition is a vital step to me just simply living my life even if I fully age and I'm not happy with how I lived. To me the blame would not be on me transitioning but rather on me as a person.
The author believes that transitioning is a coping mechanism that people use to deal with underlying problems. She states, "But what happens when her community lets her down? When the triggers she felt come up again? Will she stick to her guns, or will she regret her decision? Which is why I dont want to encourage any of this stuff, because its another form of SUPPRESSING emotions." I congratulate this essay on really making me think and question myself. This quote runs on the idea that this trans person is overtly reliant on outside forces to comfort and console them. That trans people as a whole will shut down at a moments notice if something negative comes across their way. That is because of underlying emotions and problems that they have that they refuse to confront, so they 'become transgender' and expect the world to coddle them. The following quote, "If you live by thinking things outside of yourself are controlling you (binder makes me happy, if I make someone upset its over, god why must you punish me) It will make you suffer," is a misinterpretion. A binder does not make people happy, it's the following effect of masculinization that will alievate dysphoria that causes temporay 'happiness'. The 'problem' here will not be fully 'solved' until this trans person reaches a point in their transition that satifies them. For everyone that point is different, but is not unobtainable. I am intriguted by the author's way of addressing suffering in the modern and what she proposes we do to minimize it. Which is to dig deep into ourselves to find the root of the problem which I don't disagree with; I just feel the idea of transgenderism and how it is a mental illness doesn't fully connect. At least not for me. Maybe it is because I am transgender and the author is not, so I have a fundamental experience she cannot understand therefore, her only way of understanding transgenderism is through what she sees. The author sees a trans person suffering because of dysphoria, but she cannot understand what dysphoria is like so she believes that there must be another problem they are avoiding that is causing them to act out. Instead of what I see which is a trans person is suffering because of dysphoria, so it is best to alivate it.
I hope I am not discrediting the author as the essay was interesting and did make me think of the modern issues in a new light. The only thing I can not lookover is the weird string she tries to draw with what being transgender has to do with it.
9/30/22 4:42pm
Had to wake up early for work which SUCKED. And it was sooooo boring usually i love boring office shit, but i fucking hate this copy+pasting excel spreadsheet thing we're doing. Like organizing and filing papers? Cool, easy, fun even. This dumbass copy+pasting shit sucks so bad.
Also I'm taking my drivers test on monday which im so excited for. It's gonna make my life so much more convientant now AND CHEAPER. I just want to eat out once a week and be able to buy some oat milk is that too much to ask for?
Last night me and my girlfriend watched Girl, Interrupted. Which I fucking loved. As a memoir I felt it really captured how complex people can be. The author must have been really good at being unbiased because these people felt entirely human. To me, none of them were truly villianized and still showed them doing horrible shit due to their situations. It's an interesting watch, I'd reccomend it, but if you're like a critical person; I would keep in mind that this based off a memoir so the actions of the 'characters' are actions that real life people did. That's my only comment.
My one real critism of the movie however, is that they did show the body of a girl who killed herself which I didn't apperiate at all. It was such a raw emotional moment, but seeing the body completely took me out of it simply because it made the movie feel fake to me. Not only that but since these are real people it was entirely disrespectful to recreate such a image. Like... Plus it really reached the limit of what emotion a movie can capture as I don't think the experience of witnessing or seeing a body (a body that you had known moments before hand that had take their own life) can ever be really captured. You cannot recreate that. Other that this movie was fantastic in every way for me.
I also finally did my consolation for T today. And FUCK it was so exciting I could feel myself vibrating. Every step I took I could feel myself elevate. It was amazing. There are very few moments in my life where I have felt such geniune joy. I'm doing blood testing on Tuesday then HOPEFULLY on Thursday I will get my first ever T shot. God I just want to pass I just want to pass so bad. And everything I'm doing right now, right here is getting me there. I can't fucking wait.
9/29/22 10:00 am
Im tired. A little distracted but that's okay. I didnt get to read Daniel Creech last night which in all honestly I don't mind at all. Yesterday was very good. The lunch with my mom went well! the dinner with my dad was a little-off but its whatever. The most fun I had was with with my girlfriend we holed up ourselves in the library and coded our websites all night.
I added little blinkies which hopefully look good. They look good on me but apparently everybody has different desktop screen sizes so they could come out a somewhat funky. I think this writing stuff is going to be good for me. Even if i don't have much to say nor anything real. Me and my girlfriend have been making up children's poetry. I'm gonna create a page for it soon :].
9/28/22 1:13pm
god im so fucking hungry. anyways I'm mainly trying to test if the scroll feature works because honestly I NEED it to work.
Just got out of my Core 1 class and god i hate the professor. i hate the vibes. and im a little sad nobody said anything about
my collage pieces :<
It feels like a wasted effort. I'm excited but nervous about my next project as it's very personal to me. Is this long enough? Will this show off the scroll feature?
Update: It didn't work but it was an easy fix so win for me. Also unforunately a mega loss cause I realize this isn't an economic blogging style oops
9/28/22 9:35am
Today is my birthday! I'm pretty excited since me and my girlfriend
are going to be doing a 'library' night where we hole ourselves up in a independent library room and just be fucking chilling in there.
We're going to be getting starbucks and reading
Stay Away From Daniel Creech .
Other than that I'm going to have meals with my parents. Lunch with my mom and dinner with my dad. a little too busy than I usually like but it's all good :>.
First Blog: 9/27/22
Today i went to all my classes and I felt pretty good about it
felt awkard having to look at one of my professor cause i skipped his class for two weeks straight
other than that I feel good, I feel more productive and Im ready to be more productive :]
